Reviewbot: Super Smash Bros Brawl (Wii)

Writing a review on Super Smash Bros Brawl at this point is like putting up a Firefly fansite littered with “I Support Ron Paul” banner ads. It isn’t exactly something I would say that internet is severely lacking, but I’m compelled to throw my proverbial hat into the overflowing sea of Brawl fanboydom anyway. So, before I mix further metaphors, let us delve into what will probably prove to be the most popular game of 2008 and possibly of the Wii's entire lifespan.

It’s worth mentioning the genius hype machine that is the Smash Bros Brawl Dojo website. Every single piece of information on this game was listed months before the game launched and was slowly meted out, piece by grueling piece, to the gaming public. The information ranged from the mundane (You say Mario is going to be in it? Astounding.) to the truly exciting (Sonic is in it?! HOLY FRIGGING CRAP – MY CHILDHOOD IS OFFICIALLY COMPLETE!) and made sure to keep legions of nerds waiting with baited breath until the game’s release and even enticing stragglers and people who wouldn’t have cared nearly as much if it weren’t being played up as the only videogame of any value that will surely make all other videogames look like worthless garbage.

Just about everything from Smash Bros Melee has found its way over to Brawl, including Classic Mode, Multi-Man Brawl, Tournament mode, etc. and they all remain virtually unchanged from the predecessor, changed only in that they now have more characters and more items - including Assist Trophies and Final Smashes. Assist Trophies can be collected like any other item and used immediately to summon a character that will assist you in battle. The Trophies can be helpful, like Andross or Excitebikers, to annoying for you and everybody else, like Nintendogs and Mr. Resetti who both obscure the screen's viewing area.

One of the newest and most important things Brawl brings to the table is an Adventure mode that doesn't feel completely tacked on. The Subspace Emissary adventure is much more in depth than the Melee Adventure Mode and adds a storyline that joins all Nintendo characters - good and evil - together to fight a new, evil third party, the titular Subspace Emissary. Despite being written by Kazushige Nojima, known for his work on Final Fantasy VII among other games, the storyline feels like it could have just as easily been written by Mad Lib.

"Nintendo Character and Nintendo Character were brawling at the Stadium when Female Nintendo Character That Isn't Samus Aran is kidnapped by Low-rent Kingdom Hearts villain. When trying to rescue her, our heroes run into Nintendo Character in place."

Aside from a somewhat weak, but not entirely terrible, storyline is Subspace a good addition to the game? Definitely. Would it work as a stand alone game - no. Not one up to Nintendo's usually high First-party standards, anyway.

Another much needed addition to Brawl is online play. Nintendo's online play is much like a mug of homemade hot cocoa brought to you by your mother while you play outside in a blustery, snowy winter day. A welcome and desperately needed addition to a day that was already filled with youthful mirth. Friend codes, unfortunately, ruin this glee and, continuing with the wintery metaphor, it's much like after you've excited yourself for the delicious warmth of the hot cocoa your mother says "I tried to scoop as much cat piss out of the mug as I could. I probably got most of it." and ruins what would have otherwise been a high point of your day.

Sparing you another overly abstract analogy I will also say that, so far, the online play is, for lack of a better word, broken, only allowing me to connect to somebody about 4 times of the approximately 20 times I've tried. Even then, human opponents are unceremoniously replaced with computer-controlled opponents if they drop out so it's feasible that I've never played against another living person online since I purchased the game. They haven't exactly proven to be big proponents of online multiplayer in the past, but hopefully Nintendo makes an exception this time and takes the necessary steps to correct SSBB's wifi issues.

Brawl's other new features are much too numerous to go into great detail over all of them but, quickly, they include Boss Battle Mode and All Star Mode in which you select one character to defeat all the Subspace Emissary Bosses or Brawl Combatants, respectively, getting only three heart containers that you can use between matches to replenish your life. Rotation mode is a new mode that, essentially, just tells other players in the room that it is their turn when somebody loses.

Brawl remains true to the theme that keeps players coming back and playing the game for days, weeks and even years - the collection of worthless trinkets, sundries and baubles. And when it comes to self-referential knick-knacks, I assure you, Brawl delivers with several hundred different trophies and stickers to collect from what must be every Nintendo franchise in history (even the unpopular and oft forgotten ones). Of course, what is collecting stickers and trophies if you can't show them off? The correct answer is "Dignified" but Brawl has decided that would be boring and has added Diorama Mode which allows you to choose 4 trophies, place them in front of the background of your choice and shoot a picture. Similarly, you can also arrange stickers in your album and take a picture of that. I personally only use the in-game snapshots for lurid Princess Peach upskirts, but to each his own I guess.

Brawl represents exactly where Smash Bros had to go as a franchise and delivers a very satisfying sequel, introducing a slew of new characters, fun new game modes, improving older modes that desperately needed it(Adventure Mode) and leave game elements that really didn't require a whole lot of revamping alone (Classic and Brawl). The game has a few flaws but, with the exception of the crippled wifi play, they're all very easily forgivable and considerably outweighed by things the game completely nails. If you own a Wii, you should own Brawl.

(Note: Effective immediately Slothbot is ditching numerical scoring and switching over to a more universally understood letter grading system)

Super Smash Bros Brawl - the worst Nintendo game ever made?

No, of course it isn't, it's positively stellar, but sensationalist headlines get readers.
I'll write up a full review in the future.
As for first impressions - I've been playing the game for 9 1/2 hours straight with little more than the occasional bathroom break. So yeah, it's good.

Another good thing - I'll probably stop making updates about SSBB now that it's out.

SSBB: Sonic Shame

The Super Smash Bros series has never hid the fact that it's Nintendo's masturbatory tribute to itself. All of Nintendo's characters, even the ones that have been out of work for years, all get a chance to get all gussied up and get back into the spotlight again with crisp, new 3d graphics, new animations and new, orchestrated scores.

Now that Nintendo is opening the Smash Bros doors to outsiders (Snake, Sonic) are they getting the same treatment? Well... Mostly.

Sonic, for example, does get the new graphical enhancement and animations, but the music - eh, hope you liked the Sega CD era "Sonic Boom" theme (below) that will be burning your ears with the scorching black flame of mid-90s cheesiness.

So what's Sonic's Final Smash? Watching tearfully while Mario takes a dump on a Dreamcast, Saturn and a 32X while giving him the finger? You just can't let the old "Sega does what Nintendon't" commercials go, can you, Nintendo? You trounced Sega years ago, end the shaming and let them have good, new music too. There is such a thing as being a bad winner, you know.

Rumorbot: A Torrent of SSBB Leaked Info

Looks like I was being something of a stick-in-the-mud yesterday, waiting for more certain confirmation of new characters and stages in Super Smash Bros. Brawl. New screens that sure seem to be legit have surfaced that have not only confirmed the items I was hesitant to confirm yesterday, but have also confirmed a slew of other SSBB info. Here's some shots below:



You'll notice some unannounced characters in the screenshot above, including:
Jigglypuff
Ganondorf
Falco
Windwaker Link (Toon Link)
Luigi
Mr Game & Watch
Captain Falcon
R.O.B. (Robotic Operating Buddy)

Unless Nintendo isn't nearly as OCD as I am, it looks like there's room for one more in that bottom row of characters, but, assuming these are all reliable, this accounts for just about everybody in the game.

As for stages:

Green Hill Zone (Sonic the Hedgehog)


Link's Ship (Windwaker)


Port City (F-Zero)


Mario Bros.


If you're done drooling you can check out Kotaku's article on the new info over here.

Rumorbot: New Smash Bros Info revealed in leaked intro?

If you're one of those failures at life that think learning some information that you would have found out within the first 12 seconds of playing the game counts as a spoiler, you'd do well to skip this bit. For all the rest of us:

A new trailer has set the Super Smash Bros Brawl (SSBB) fan community aflame today as the interwebs are flooded with nearly baseless speculation flying from all directions. Here's a few:

Ness and Marth are returning to Smash Bros!!



Though there is no SSBB update I'd like to hear more, Ness is still unconfirmed. Unfortunately, so is Marth. I hate to urinate on your picnic but, yes, the video does make it look like they're playable, but it's possible that Ness and Marth will simply be assist trophies or parts of the game's new storyline - not playable. Until we hear otherwise from the SSBB Dojo, it's all just speculation. After all, these guys are in the video too and they aren't playable:



Green Hill Zone is a playable stage!!


Like above, nothing has been confirmed in regards to Green Hill Zone being a playable stage. Though it would be nice, and downright likely, there's still no confirmation. The shot of Green Hill in the intro could simply have been rendered for the movie to show Sonic in his natural habitat.

Those are the big ones - check out the video below and I'm sure you'll be able to find more to get yourself excited over.