Reviewbot: Eternal Sonata (xbox 360)

Eternal Sonata had a lot of promise. Not only was it an RPG on the Xbox360 but it looked like it was going to break the JRPG mold by blending action RPG with turn based RPG and incorporating a novel plotline as opposed to the standard “Evil guy X is going to destroy large geographic area Y and ragtag group of good guys Z has to save it.” Instead, the game goes the unlikely and very rarely traveled route of historical fantasy, setting their game in a music-based fantasy world created in the mind of Frederic Francois Chopin as he lay on his deathbed in the final throes of his long battle with Tuberculosis.

I’m not going to lie to you, I’m one boring bastard. I watch documentaries constantly, read textbooks for fun and collect different editions of trivial pursuit. So, if you haven’t already discredited me and left this blog never to return, it won’t come as a surprise that when I heard a JRPG based around Chopin was coming to the states I was so excited that I nearly shat confetti.


This game seemed to be a gift from our friends overseas that would surely help dig the 360 out of its RPG rut and pave the way for more than another Halo facsimile. Unfortunately, Eternal Sonata fails to deliver in a great many ways.

Before I delve into the negatives this game presents I’ll be fair and discuss the positives. I will say that the game is one of the most aesthetically stunning I’ve seen in quite awhile and was a much appreciated change over the sea of brown/grey games flooding the market. Also, fitting the theme of the game, the music was very well composed and flowed nicely. There, the good stuff is out of the way, I can now commence with my one-man shitstorm.

You’ll notice that I didn’t include Eternal Sonata’s novel story concept on the short list of things this game did right. The unfortunate fact is that the originality of the plot wears off very quickly after you find out that Chopin’s musical fantasy world was, apparently, nothing more than a vapid, cookie-cutter JRPG world populated with none but the most one-dimensional JRPG archetypes. The good guy with an “attitude”, the sweet-as-sugar timid girl, the annoying little idiot, the saucy little tomboy – the characters you’ve seen in countless other JRPGs are back just with new, music-based names. Not only are the characters shallow but the great story concept writes a check that the actual in-game storyline just couldn’t cash, delivering instead a poorly written, disgustingly preachy, goofy and disjointed J-turd of a story.

I will admit that the game has one other, very important, thing going for it - the battle system. Eternal Sonata is one of the only games that I’ve ever played that properly blends action RPG and turn based RPG without making a final product that feels clumsy. You’re given a time limit in which you can rack up as many hits as possible on your enemies, the more hits you get the more “echoes” you receive, which strengthen your special attacks. However, I mentioned this separately from the other things the game does right because the great battle system only makes it more tragic that the game suffers from such abject laziness.

One of the worst demonstrations of the laziness in the game is its bad case of Final Fight Syndrome, where enemies you have fought 100 times before are painted a new color and passed off as a completely new enemy. The game probably has less than 10 actual enemies when all is said and done, none of them particularly memorable.


Some of the biggest problems arise when you realize that you have to sit through countless 10+ minute long cutscenes between damn near every fight. The cutscenes are skippable, but doing so isn’t recommended as the one time I tried it I ended up being spit into a new land not knowing where in the hell I was expected to go or what I was supposed to do when I got there. This wouldn’t be nearly as painful if the cutscenes were at least watchable. Alas, no such luck as the dialog goes one of two ways – either making a shallow attempt at furthering the plotline so ridiculously trite and sappy it would make Morrissey’s diary look like an issue of Maxim or making ham-handed attempts at some contrived social commentary that come across about as subtly as cinder block to the face. Also, as a reward for completing a certain level, you are given, that’s right, more cutscenes. These cutscenes don’t have anything to do with the game, per se, but rather just provide a narrative history of Chopin’s life. Do bonuses get any better?

The laziness really takes its toll around hour 10 of gameplay. This is when you realize that, despite how great the first hour of gameplay was, that was it. Gameplay isn’t changing, there are no new enemies, the storyline is going to continue being stupid, the cutscenes aren’t going to let up any time soon, I’ll never be be able to roam around freely and there will never be any sidequests. This is where you start running out of steam, sometimes even earlier in the game, and it becomes a chore where you keep telling yourself “goddamn it, I wasted 10 hours of my life, I have to waste another 10 to see how it ends, at least.” In this situation waste is truly the operable word as the ending, without giving any spoilers, leaves you thinking “What?! It’s over?! What just happened and why?!”

I’m still convinced that Eternal Sonata is the Japanese equivalent of the classic joke, The Aristocrats. It’s hyped up as being great but when you actually hear it it disgusts you and at the end you’re left thinking “I can’t believe I sat around that long waiting for what was, in the end, a giant waste of my time.” But, despite all the negative things I have to say about it, Eternal Sonata did some very key things right and I would actually love to see a sequel that works out all the kinks and delivers the game that Eternal Sonata should have been.




*all pictures shamelessly stolen from IGN.

Reviewbot: Super Smash Bros Brawl (Wii)

Writing a review on Super Smash Bros Brawl at this point is like putting up a Firefly fansite littered with “I Support Ron Paul” banner ads. It isn’t exactly something I would say that internet is severely lacking, but I’m compelled to throw my proverbial hat into the overflowing sea of Brawl fanboydom anyway. So, before I mix further metaphors, let us delve into what will probably prove to be the most popular game of 2008 and possibly of the Wii's entire lifespan.

It’s worth mentioning the genius hype machine that is the Smash Bros Brawl Dojo website. Every single piece of information on this game was listed months before the game launched and was slowly meted out, piece by grueling piece, to the gaming public. The information ranged from the mundane (You say Mario is going to be in it? Astounding.) to the truly exciting (Sonic is in it?! HOLY FRIGGING CRAP – MY CHILDHOOD IS OFFICIALLY COMPLETE!) and made sure to keep legions of nerds waiting with baited breath until the game’s release and even enticing stragglers and people who wouldn’t have cared nearly as much if it weren’t being played up as the only videogame of any value that will surely make all other videogames look like worthless garbage.

Just about everything from Smash Bros Melee has found its way over to Brawl, including Classic Mode, Multi-Man Brawl, Tournament mode, etc. and they all remain virtually unchanged from the predecessor, changed only in that they now have more characters and more items - including Assist Trophies and Final Smashes. Assist Trophies can be collected like any other item and used immediately to summon a character that will assist you in battle. The Trophies can be helpful, like Andross or Excitebikers, to annoying for you and everybody else, like Nintendogs and Mr. Resetti who both obscure the screen's viewing area.

One of the newest and most important things Brawl brings to the table is an Adventure mode that doesn't feel completely tacked on. The Subspace Emissary adventure is much more in depth than the Melee Adventure Mode and adds a storyline that joins all Nintendo characters - good and evil - together to fight a new, evil third party, the titular Subspace Emissary. Despite being written by Kazushige Nojima, known for his work on Final Fantasy VII among other games, the storyline feels like it could have just as easily been written by Mad Lib.

"Nintendo Character and Nintendo Character were brawling at the Stadium when Female Nintendo Character That Isn't Samus Aran is kidnapped by Low-rent Kingdom Hearts villain. When trying to rescue her, our heroes run into Nintendo Character in place."

Aside from a somewhat weak, but not entirely terrible, storyline is Subspace a good addition to the game? Definitely. Would it work as a stand alone game - no. Not one up to Nintendo's usually high First-party standards, anyway.

Another much needed addition to Brawl is online play. Nintendo's online play is much like a mug of homemade hot cocoa brought to you by your mother while you play outside in a blustery, snowy winter day. A welcome and desperately needed addition to a day that was already filled with youthful mirth. Friend codes, unfortunately, ruin this glee and, continuing with the wintery metaphor, it's much like after you've excited yourself for the delicious warmth of the hot cocoa your mother says "I tried to scoop as much cat piss out of the mug as I could. I probably got most of it." and ruins what would have otherwise been a high point of your day.

Sparing you another overly abstract analogy I will also say that, so far, the online play is, for lack of a better word, broken, only allowing me to connect to somebody about 4 times of the approximately 20 times I've tried. Even then, human opponents are unceremoniously replaced with computer-controlled opponents if they drop out so it's feasible that I've never played against another living person online since I purchased the game. They haven't exactly proven to be big proponents of online multiplayer in the past, but hopefully Nintendo makes an exception this time and takes the necessary steps to correct SSBB's wifi issues.

Brawl's other new features are much too numerous to go into great detail over all of them but, quickly, they include Boss Battle Mode and All Star Mode in which you select one character to defeat all the Subspace Emissary Bosses or Brawl Combatants, respectively, getting only three heart containers that you can use between matches to replenish your life. Rotation mode is a new mode that, essentially, just tells other players in the room that it is their turn when somebody loses.

Brawl remains true to the theme that keeps players coming back and playing the game for days, weeks and even years - the collection of worthless trinkets, sundries and baubles. And when it comes to self-referential knick-knacks, I assure you, Brawl delivers with several hundred different trophies and stickers to collect from what must be every Nintendo franchise in history (even the unpopular and oft forgotten ones). Of course, what is collecting stickers and trophies if you can't show them off? The correct answer is "Dignified" but Brawl has decided that would be boring and has added Diorama Mode which allows you to choose 4 trophies, place them in front of the background of your choice and shoot a picture. Similarly, you can also arrange stickers in your album and take a picture of that. I personally only use the in-game snapshots for lurid Princess Peach upskirts, but to each his own I guess.

Brawl represents exactly where Smash Bros had to go as a franchise and delivers a very satisfying sequel, introducing a slew of new characters, fun new game modes, improving older modes that desperately needed it(Adventure Mode) and leave game elements that really didn't require a whole lot of revamping alone (Classic and Brawl). The game has a few flaws but, with the exception of the crippled wifi play, they're all very easily forgivable and considerably outweighed by things the game completely nails. If you own a Wii, you should own Brawl.

(Note: Effective immediately Slothbot is ditching numerical scoring and switching over to a more universally understood letter grading system)

Reviewbot: CSI: Hard Evidence (Xbox360)

With all the terrible games out there based on movies and TV shows it’s always refreshing to see one that is a carefully crafted, visually appealing, masterpiece among games.

Unfortunately, while we wait for such a game to surface we’ll have to make due with CSI: Hard Evidence, a game that was crafted with all the precision and care of a passenger-train wreck with only half the visual appeal.

“Hard Evidence” is the fifth CSI video game, and with it comes more of the same, aiming more for fans of the show rather than hardcore gamers. You play as a new recruit to the Las Vegas Crime Lab, assisting characters from the show solve five different cases. Your partners can give you hints at any time, though you probably won’t need them as the game’s default settings make the game so easy that it might as well be taking you by the hand, walking you through the levels and patting you on the head, promising everything is going to be alright.

The game’s character models are clunky, lifeless shells, sometimes not even particularly resembling their real-life counterparts and moving with all the fluidity of an un-oiled robot in a strobe light. The flow of the game is also ruined by designers’ laziness, the worst example of which is when you get search warrants that are arbitrarily limited to every section of a house except the one drawer that, it is later revealed, holds the case-breaking piece of evidence.

Thankfully no skimping was done in the audio and writing department. Nearly all the original cast members provided their voices for the game and the soundalikes used for Sara Sidle (Jorja Fox) and Catherine Willows (Marg Helgenberger) would fool even long time fans of the show. The writing also shows the promise that this franchise has, allowing the player to unweave complex and compelling mysteries worthy of the television series itself. Unfortunately, the storylines also seem desperately written around characters and stages from previous cases, presumably to keep game designers from having to create new locations and characters.

If lazy game design wasn’t bad enough, the product placement in the game is downright shameless, slapping HP logos on every piece of electronic equipment in the game, and Visa logos on absolutely everything else. I can forgive this much. Product placement can, when used properly, create a feeling of realism in a game. But when the Chief of Police takes time out of his busy day to tell you that he was pleased as punch that Visa’s Continuous Monitoring Service protected a murder victim from a possible identity theft you know that lines have been crossed and you just paid $40 for an interactive Visa commercial.

This game obviously depends on its popular subject matter to carry what would normally be a lackluster, bargain bin, “shovelware” title into a more financially successful title. But between graphics that wouldn’t have held up on last-gen consoles, lazy game design and copious amounts of shameless product placement, this game does very little to further the dying Point-&-Click Adventure genre, and a lot to push it a little deeper into the grave.



out of 100

Reviewbot: WarioWare: Smooth Moves (Wii)

Since its GBA inception nothing has delivered insane, ADHD-friendly fun quite like the Wario Ware series. The newest Warioware title, Smooth Moves, takes it off the handhelds and back to your TV for the first time since the Gamecube version 3 years ago. Previous versions have never been afraid to look silly, having players slice logs, pick noses and slather French fries with ketchup within the span of a few fleeting seconds, but Smooth Moves adds something new to the mix – now you get to look stupid too!

This time around the microgames are completed by holding the Wiimote according to the “stance” you are given before the next game is presented. For example, if you are shown that the stance for the next game is The Mohawk, then you will hold the Wiimote atop your head and prepare for the upcoming microgame. There are quite a few stances, all of which are designed to be as fun as they are silly-looking. You may look foolish in front of your friends when you play this, but trust me, it’s nowhere near as foolish as you’ll feel when you’re standing in your empty living room, all alone, doing squat thrusts with a plastic controller on your head and posing like a samurai, so let go of your inhibitions.

Fans of the series have reason to celebrate this installment. After smacking orange-thieving old men with a blackjack, lifting weights to the delight of a bunch of lions (above) or helping Mario hit blocks full of coins you’ll find that the games are just as absurdist and self-referential as ever.

Though it is a lot of fun the game isn’t without its problems. The Wiimote is generally very responsive and works great but there are a few games where the motion sensing is inordinately picky and requires you to be holding the Wiimote at just the right height and distance away from your television for a game to read it. This isn’t a huge problem and only affects a handful of the games but it’s still a pain to run into.

The much bigger problem in this game is the multiplayer mode. Lack of a multiplayer mode isn’t the problem. There is a handful of different multiplayer modes and the game supports play for up to 12 people. The problem is that everybody has to share the same Wiimote. The rationale from the game designers for this is that they wanted you to focus on watching and laughing at your friends rather than all playing at the same time and missing it. That certainly is a good point but I would much prefer that you recommend that I use 1 Wiimote rather than forcing me to.

Another unfortunate thing is that the game, much like all of its predecessors, is pretty short, clocking in at only a few hours from start to completion. Of course the real draw to this game isn’t so much the single-player offerings but, rather, the multiplayer.

Despite its multiplayer shortcomings the dull wasteland of abysmal party games that is the Wii’s game library, Warioware shines above the rest, putting its peers to shame.

out of 100